Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner
by aptasi
Summary: Even a master thief had better eat.
1. Breakfast

Summary: Even a master thief had better eat.

Disclaimer: I'm just a fanfiction author. All hail the rightful owners.

Dedication: Happy Birthday to Green Lion! I hope you like this humor story.

* * *

"Surname?" The man behind the desk asked.

"Nigh…" The young woman mumbled into the woodwork. "N-I-G-H."

"Hmph." The pen made a sharp scratching sound. "First name?"

"Eve."

There was some additional scratching. "Villains International League of Evil, the organization now acting as your employer, will procure for your use the standard W2 forms, within a reasonable period of time." Lee Galese proclaimed dryly.

"She pays taxes?" Eve kvetched incredulously.

The lawyer frowned. "The statement preceding your inquiry should be regarded as self-explanatory."

The new girl swallowed and muttered. "OK well I guess if they can put Al Capone away for tax evasion she might as well."

He didn't look amused.

"So uh… what happens now?"

"As I am merely the attorney consulting in this case, I am not at liberty to say. However, you should consult your peers in this matter."

"Peers?"

"That'd be us, new kid."

Eve turned her face to observe the triad of henchmen standing in the doorway. "My name's Eve." She said, somewhat confidently. "What's yours?"

The man farthest to the front gestured to himself. "Lars," his hand traveled. "Moe, and Sara."

"Glad to meet you."

With a slightly creepy smile, the lead man extended his hand. "Welcome to VILE, Eve."

Eve inhaled. "So how does this work?"

"We're your guides for the first week or so, until you get on your feet." Moe answered for the group.

Smiling, Eve answered. "Cool… so did you volunteer for the job?"

"Babysitting you?" Sara laughed. "Drew short straw."

Lars rolled his eyes. "Turns out I've got no luck."

"Ok then." The new employee did her best to sound self-sufficient. "Just tell me what to do and I'll be out of your hair."

"You're Carmen's assistant today."

"Um… what does that mean, exactly?"

"Think of it as a lady's maid crossed with a coat rack." Moe muttered.

"On the first day?" The young lady squeaked.

"Yep." Moe answered. "All the new guys do it."

"Why?"

"Cause, if you can't even say, 'Carmen want some coffee', how ya gonna say 'Carmen, that cable don't look quite right'? Then it's her elbow gets broke, and the rest of us have got to clean up your mess. You can't be scared of Carmen, not around here." Lars announced.

It occurred to Eve that, if Lars wasn't just posturing, he was probably the only person on the planet who wasn't afraid of Carmen Sandiego.

Sara snorted. "Why is it always broken elbows with you? It could be a lot worse than that."

Lars stuck his chin out. "I'm an optimist." He proclaimed. "Besides have you seen how many times she broke her elbow last year?"

Sara muttered. "I keep telling her, that thing's bad. I don't understand why she won't let me take it out and replace it with something more durable."

The thin man didn't look very pleased with the idea. "Because if you start replacing every part of boss that could work better you'll get…"

"…A cyborg with a human brain. What's your point?" Sara demanded.

"I like this version better." Chuckling, under his breath Lars commented. "Easier on the eyes."

"You sleazebag!" Sara exclaimed.

Lars retorted. "Loony!"

"I am not loony! I'm just… trying to establish evidence for an insanity defense. In case I ever need it."

"Good job." Lars applauded.

Eve looked away from the argument in front of her, and glanced at Moe.

He smiled at her. "They mean just do it."

Eve took a deep breath. "Yeah I was kind of figuring on that. But I don't know anything about dealing with her. How am I supposed to know what to do?"

"No problem." He procured a book and passed it over.

"A manual?" Eve kvetched. "Carmen comes with a manual?"

Sara snorted. "The only problem is it's absolute fiction."

Lars glowered. "Then how come it works? Well sorta works."

Hands on her hips, the scientist declared. "Placebo effect."

"Good job ruining that for Eve!" Lars snapped.

Eve was moderately amazed that Lars even knew what the placebo effect was, but she decided to put her head down and read before things got out of control. "These nutritional charts…" She muttered. "I'm supposed to cook for her?"

"Naw… Kat V. R. takes care of the kitchen. You just gotta remind her to eat."

Eyebrows rose. Eve asked. "Doesn't she eat on her own?"

"Nope." Lars announced cheerfully. "Boss is a little too on the focused side sometimes. She forgets. So here's how it works right. Ask her if she wants something. If she ignores you, grab something from the kitchen, and wave it under her nose until she grabs it to get it out from in front of whatever she's doing. Repeat four hours later."

That sounded terrifying. "Is that necessary? I mean, she's a grown woman."

"Yes it is." Lars snapped. "Because otherwise she _will_ forget and she _will_ pass out and we _will_ all be very screwed."

Sara glared and hushed her colleague. "Let's put it this way." She grabbed a piece of paper, beginning a sketch. "Let the abscissa represent the relative difficulty of the task, and let the ordinate represent Carmen's ability. Then, the curve looks something like…"

"Exponential growth." Eve interpreted.

"Oh bother," Moe muttered. "Another smart one."

"Ok…" Eve muttered. "I think I get it… only one problem. According to this, Carmen shouldn't be able to breathe."

Nearly growling, Sara retorted. "Fine, so the model breaks down for low values of the difficulty, the point is that we are all totally dependent on someone who, if we didn't watch her, would weigh eighty pounds and have Albert Einstein hair."

"And that's why we all need to watch out for boss." Lars said pointedly. "Starting with making sure she gets enough food and at least eight glasses of water a day. And right now she needs to be eating breakfast, so scram."

* * *

"You're late." The thief informed her new employee.

Eve's mouth dropped open. After that whole rant about how tough Carmen was to wake up, she found her boss already awake? Not to mention dressed, in what looked like cargo pants and a dark tank top. She looked like a video game tough-girl, albeit with a higher neckline. "It's six thirty." Eve commented. "Local time."

Carmen just stared back at her and didn't say a word.

"Err… what are you doing?"

Straightfaced, Carmen declared. "Getting a gauge on how nervous you are."

"I'm terrified."

The master thief shrugged. "You're forming complete sentences. That puts you in the top 95th percentile or so."

"For the first day?" Eve squawked.

"That depends on how picky you want to be about grammar."

"Oh…" It was time for a nice deep breath. "Do you want me to get you something for breakfast?" That statement was far more difficult to say than Eve had even anticipated.

"No thank you." Carmen replied politely.

What on earth was she supposed to do if Carmen didn't want to eat? "Uh… I… Um…. I think that…. Err…."

Though her eyebrows raised slightly at the faltering attempts to express the mandate, Carmen evidently had opted to rescue Eve from her incompetence, for she added calmly. "I have something here already."

"You…" Eve's powers of observation partially returned. "You have a mini-fridge in your room? Isn't that a little college freshman?"

Without saying a word, Carmen simply waited for Eve to modify her statement.

"Oh my goodness! I shouldn't have said that to you. I meant… I mean I…."

With a small impatient gesture, Carmen cut off the stammering. "How about a cup of coffee?"

"Ok… coffee… right." The new girl bolted from the room.

Upon her return, Eve stood in the door, mug in hand and jaw ajar. "What are you eating?"

The thief swallowed, and then smiled. "Beef jerky with hot sauce."

Eve could smell the spice from across the room. "Isn't it a little early?"

Not seeming particularly phased, the thief took her time with an answer "Depends on which time zone you're in."

"How about this one?" Eve ventured.

Merrily Carmen laughed. "I do hope you're not the worrying type. This could be a very long day for you."

"Oh…" Shyly, Eve dug around in her purse and extended an antacid.

"I don't need that." Carmen said inscrutably. "This is just composed of cayenne. It is not as if it were made of ghost peppers."

Eve sincerely hoped Carmen did not habitually consume ghost peppers. "Ok… um… so… how about that coffee?"

Quickly raising the mug to her hot sauce stained lips, Carmen took a deep sip. Frowning slightly, she set the cup back down.

The new girl swallowed.

"Eve." Carmen said very slowly. "Do you understand the difference between coffee brewed in Ireland and Irish Coffee?"

"Of course I do it's…" It suddenly occurred to Eve that she hadn't watched her mischievous colleagues prepare the drink. "Oh wait…"

It was going to be that kind of day.


	2. Lunch

Summary: Even a master thief had better eat.

Disclaimer: I'm just a fanfiction author. All hail the rightful owners.

Dedication: Happy Birthday to Green Lion!

* * *

"So," Lars asked cheerfully. "How'd it go?"

Eve glared. "Putting liquor in her coffee? You all are sadists."

"She'll be fine." Lars laughed.

"I was talking about me."

"Eh, you'll get over it. And the sooner you learn to watch out for boss's food and drink the better off we all are. Unsavory characters have been known to spike that stuff, right Sara?"

The scientist glowered. "No comment."

Sighing, Eve declared. "OK, got it. From now on I'll actually watch them make the coffee."

"So why aren't you with her now?"

"She err…" Eve wondered if anyone had told Lars yet about the mustard stain on his tie. "Told me to go away."

"Don't worry." Moe said sympathetically. "Happens to all of us."

"Let me guess…" Lars said conspiratorially. "Her morning workout."

"Yeah…" Eve almost asked how Lars knew that, but she was sick of finding out.

Sara glared at Lars for a moment and then began filling in the blanks. "No one knows what Carmen does for conditioning. For whatever reason, the men in this organization find the puzzle fascinating."

"Some folks," Lars announced. "They say she dances. Salsa…"

"By herself?"

"Hey I'm just saying what some folks think. There's other folks that think she jogs around the track, listening to William Faulkner or some such thing on cassette tape."

"Or Dirac's lectures." Sara interjected.

"Only Sara thinks she listens to those." Moe interjected. "The rest of us don't know what that means."

Lars smirked. "You see, the men are not the only ones with opinions on the subject."

"At least my opinion can be repeated in mixed company!" Sara retorted, in a fit of dramatics.

"Well it doesn't matter what Carmen does because she is never going to tell us!" Eve snapped.

"Oooh looks like you've had it, new girl." Lars laughed. "What'd you do?"

Stammering, Eve endeavored to defend herself. "I… nothing!"

"Did you look bored when she made a cultural reference?"

"No."

"Did you pronounce something French with a bad accent?"

"No."

"Did you try to upstage her?"

"No."

"Did you tell her she's human?"

"Huh?"

"…suggest that she made a mistake, mention her emotions, ask about her health?"

"I did try to give her an Alka-Seltzer."

Lars nodded. "That's it."

"Is that bad?" Eve asked.

"Well…" Moe muttered. "Yes and no."

"Huh…"

"It's good cause you're Carmen's new best friend." Lars declared irreverently. "And it's bad cause you're screwed."

Sara clarified. "Figuratively."

"Why?" Eve's voice was rising in register.

"You'll see…" Lars chuckled. "Eventually."

* * *

"Err… Do you want some lunch?"

The cobalt eyes didn't even twitch. "In a few hours."

"What are you doing now?"

Her hands turned pages at a rapid rate. "I'm reading Twain's _Life on the Mississippi."_

"Didn't you already do a Twain heist?"

"I'm looking for interesting trivia on the river. I'll run it through other verifications, naturally, as Twain was prone to exaggeration."

"All this for a single clue?"

Carmen nodded. "All this."

"Trying to make it harder to infoscan, huh?"

Carmen frowned, but didn't answer.

"Well, don't you want some food?"

No answer, just the rustle of pages.

"Hey guys?" Eve walked into the kitchen. "What does Carmen like to eat?"

"Have you tried asking her?" Sara asked condescendingly.

"She's kinda nonresponsive."

"Don't worry I gotcha." Lars said. "Hey Kat! Fix Carmen up a Reuben."

"You're sure she eats that?"

Lars chuckled. "You saw what she had for breakfast. Are you sure she doesn't?"

Eve frowned. "Touché, but I'm watching you make it this time."

* * *

"Carmen, I brought you some food."

No answer.

Eve took a deep breath and sent up a prayer that she didn't get herself in a world of trouble. "Carmen, if you do not answer me, I will start waving the food under your nose."

"Just keep it away from the book." Carmen snapped. She sighed. "I'll eat."

"Put the book away." The employee ordered.

Carmen raised her eyebrows.

"Um… I mean if it please your majesty."

A studied glance sized her up.

"Err… and that wasn't supposed to be sarcastic."

"Of course not." Carmen said dryly, setting aside the codex.

The pause dragged on.

"Do you expect me to steal the food from you?" Carmen asked mildly.

"No, err…" Eve stammered. "I suppose I better… um… take it out of the bag huh?" In a rush, she handed it to her boss.

"Oh good, my favorite." Carmen said cheerfully, unpacking the sandwich and beginning to eat.

Eve stood there for a few minutes. "That was too easy…" She muttered.

"Was it?" Carmen asked.

"Yeah I figured… you know, the guys… would give me something you didn't like."

Carmen raised her eyebrows but didn't say a thing.

"In fact, I'm sure Lars didn't think you'd like this."

No comment.

Eve was getting into her monologue. "And since you know everything, you definitely knew that."

Carmen lips curled up a little, but her pace didn't flag.

"Which means you think it's funny that Lars thinks that he's getting me into this whole mess…" Eve rambled. "Well who wouldn't really…"

Chuckling slightly, Carmen continued eating .

"And any time you like something, you were probably the cause of it… which means you're in on this entire get the new guy to bring the wrong food scheme… except that it's stacked to be the right food, which everyone thinks is the wrong food, except whoever the new person is at the time, who thinks that it's the right food, but for all the wrong reasons."

With a look of slight amusement, Carmen said. "Keep going…"

"But if you extend that back far enough… then everyone will have been a new guy… so there's probably a whole ton of people in on this scheme. Maybe everyone but your inner circle… in fact, there could be new guys who aren't new guys anymore who pretend to trick the newer new guys so that the old guys don't notice." Eve's head was starting to ache. "And you're probably not going to tell me which one is which…"

"Of course not." Carmen answered.

"But I guess that might be the point of working for you… I'm never going to know who's in on a joke. How was that?" Eve asked.

For a moment Carmen hesitated, and it occurred to Eve that it might really be just as simple as Carmen liking the sandwich.

"I'll give you a nine out of ten on the deduction… three out of ten on the delivery. Don't second guess yourself." Carmen commented mildly. "Also, remember not everything has to fit into a single sentence. "

"So if anyone asks?" Eve said, her tone betraying a hint of a question.

"I intellectually lambasted you." Carmen took another bite.

"Ok, that's not too far off."

"And naturally…" Carmen finished the last bite. "I detest this kind of sandwich."


	3. Dinner

Summary: Even a master thief had better eat.

Disclaimer: I'm just a fanfiction author. All hail the rightful owners.

Dedication: Happy Birthday to Green Lion!

* * *

Eve tried not to sigh. She was bored out of her skull. Carmen had been staring at blueprints, the same set of blueprints for over five hours. Every now and then she wrote one or two letters on what seemed to be a sticky note on the corner of her desk. On one memorable occasion she actually circled something. However, for the majority of the time, she didn't do anything except stare. For such an exciting job, this sure was monotonous. The girl couldn't even tell if Carmen was making progress or not, though she expected she was. It would be a cold day on Venus when Carmen was stymied by something like this.

Then suddenly, Carmen put the blueprints down. "I want sushi." She announced decisively.

"Sushi? Does Kat make that?"

Carmen shrugged. "I don't suppose she does."

"But boss… where are we going to get decent sushi in Ireland?"

"Why on earth would we try to get sushi from Ireland?"

"Um… because you want sushi and Ireland's where we are?"

In the long pause that ensued, Eve deduced that her previous statement had made her look rather silly. "I never get ethnic food anywhere but its country of origin."

"Japan? We're going to Japan now?"

Carmen considered. "It could be an overnight trip. You might want to bring a toothbrush. I don't recommend the spares at the safe house. They have dubious pasts."

* * *

"Ok so here's how it works…" Sara filled her in. "Carmen's got three moods. Mood one, she's all sulky cause that redhead girl mouthed off again. That's not too difficult. Get out of her way. You just don't want to be the person who has to wake her up the next morning."

Eve swallowed. That didn't sound like today. Thank goodness for that.

Lars picked up the monologue. "Mood two, situation normal, she's in workaholic mode. Just remind her to eat about every four hours. She scares the pants off you, but you're fine."

Well then that was the morning.

"Mood three," Sara grabbed control of the conversation back. "She gets all impulsive and decides to blow off steam by doing something insane."

"Yeah…" Lars was laughing behind his hands. "Like flying out to Ibiza to go dancing, or whitewater rafting in Zambia, or going to Tel Aviv, for who knows what."

Urgently, Eve tried to clarify. "So what do I do?"

"Looks like you're getting some sushi." Lars guffawed.

"But how do I…. comport myself."

Sara laughed. "How should I know? Just try to keep up I guess."

"You guess?"

Lars nodded. "And don't get separated from her. We had to go get the last fool from some bar in Tijuana."

* * *

"I didn't know there was a rough part of Kyoto." Eve muttered, clearly nervous.

Carmen shook her head merrily. "This is not rough."

"OK, so maybe I'm sheltered, Carmen, but err… is too!"

White teeth showed by the smile were in perfect alignment. "The best food may always be found where the locals are."

"Yeah well these locals are scary." Eve muttered sullenly.

"They know me here." Carmen said, a little gently but with a hint of impatience. "You're with me, so you'll be fine."

"Why did we have to come here again?"

The master thief sighed, reclining back on her heels. "The city has a wonderful atmosphere. The culture… the history…"

"You're nostalgic…" Eve muttered. "I'm terrified, and you're nostalgic."

Carmen shrugged. "Well, I suppose Suhara did always love this place."

"You used to come here with him?"

Quickly, Carmen answered. "I go where I please, when I please, and with whom I please."

"That was not the question." Eve couldn't believe she was being so brave.

"Yes I did."

"Doesn't it make you sad to be here without him, then?"

"Not particularly…"

"That can't be right."

Carmen shrugged. "Draw your own conclusions if you want answers." Then she walked through a door.

Eve ran to keep up. She was afraid to be left behind, and around Carmen Sandiego that was an all too ubiquitous state of being. Entering the small establishment, the two women sat at the sushi bar. For the next ten or so minutes, she stared at the rather daunting selection of fish, as Carmen had a cheerful and energetic, but somehow very formal, conversation with the sushi chef. Carmen seemed to be right in her element, as they sipped tea and watched the chef make their dinner, but Eve was starting to panic a little.

"Why is it in squares and not rolls?" Eve muttered.

"Just try some." Carmen said impatiently.

"Wont it make me sick?" She'd heard some things about trying local food in strange places, especially if it involved raw fish. For that matter, the idea of raw fish didn't do a lot for her in the first place.

Carmen was happily starting on the sushi, picking up the stuff with her hands, dipping it into a dish of soy sauce, upside down, and eating each piece in a single bite. "Live a little."

"But is it safe?"

"I don't do safe."

"So no."

"Eve, just eat the sushi. You will offend the chef."

"Err… ok… how do I do that?"

Carmen chuckled. "Watch and learn."

* * *

Many hours later, an exhausted woman reported back to her mentors.

"How'd it go?" Lars asked.

"You know I should slap you all, but… it was kind of fun." Eve admitted.

Sara laughed manically.

Eve handed over the carefully filled out nutritional chart. "How'd I do?"

Reading through Lars declared. "Nope, that's not good at all. You gave her far too much fat. Go easy on the Russian dressing."

"But you were the one who told me to…"

"Not my problem." He grinned.

Putting her hands on her hips, Eve glowered.

"Hey what I meant to say was, congratulations, you're now responsible for your own mistakes. That means you're officially off the probationary period. Welcome to VILE."

"Be nice Lars." Carmen answered, as she just happened to walk by, appearing from behind them.

Lars jumped. "Yes boss."

Eve smiled. "I could get used to this place."


End file.
